You know you are obsessed with Hellsing when
by HeatherSilentHillMason
Summary: Re-uploaded...Over 30 ways to tell if you are obsessed with Hellsing. Rated T because...Well why would kids be reading this anyway?
1. Chapter 1

Okay, this is the altered version that is more like a story. Because the poser group known as the Literacy Union will not stop bugging me about the previous one, I did this. Even though an Admin had contacted me by direct email, and claimed my list was exceptional due to the vast expanse of words, the trolls from the LU could not get that through their heads.  
>Warning, since this is in story format, it may be harder to keep along with. So I'll try to be nice with the spacing.<p>

You know you are obsessed with Hellsing Ultimate when-

You know the title of the opera Rip Van Winkle sings. You find yourself googling Nazi facts at random moments of the day. You get pissed whenever you mention Schrodinger and someone else jumps into the conversation and starts talking about the equation instead.

You even find yourself beginning to like vampires again even though Twilight ruined it for you. You find yourself wondering how blood tastes, and even debate tasting it until you consider the fact you could contract AIDS. One word…Fan fictions, and lots of them. You can remember Integra's full name at any given moment.

You refer to one of your blonde friends with shortish hair as "police girl." You have tried your own maniacal laugh just like Alucard's. Having a butler seems so much cooler to you now. You have attempted to draw your favorite character at least once no matter how bad it sucked.

Your first thought whenever you hear about vampires is either your favorite vampire character or the word "ghouls". You become so used to seeing blood that you hardly give a second thought to the sight of it. You are able to think of multiple pairings for each character. You have a new appreciation for German Operas.

You want to learn more German language. You find yourself pronouncing your "w's" as "v's" and your "th's" as "z's". Anytime someone mentions Valentine's Day, Jan and Luke Valentine pop into your head. You even know how to properly pronounce Jan's name. You get annoyed when someone sees his name and pronounces it wrong!

You and your friends form yourselves into a group, either Hellsing, Millennium, or any others and pretend anyone outside your group is potentially against you. You can recall the names of each organization. You have a new perspective of God, whether you are Atheist or not. You find yourself beginning to memorize and recognize several different types of guns.

Joining an army seems somewhat appealing to you. You may start to become a total pyro if you were not already. Nazi's have a whole new meaning for you. Any time you hear something about a war, your interest for it instantly perks. You feel the strong need to draw, write a fan fiction, or make a quiz about the can agree hands down that the Ultimate series kicks the old series' arse.

There….Happy! I mean damn, if I composed all of the spam I received I could write a whole other chapter for it. More chapters will be added soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Alright, second chapter upload. Why not? I am trying to figure out a better way to organize these paragraphs. Word just does not seem to want to cooperate on this…Oh, and don't assume I have done all of these. I am not that much of a fan, but I have done the majority.**

You have a sudden attraction to suits and jackets. You have an ambition to find and purchase a suit like Integra's. You also want a red trench coat…And want to wear either of the above everywhere…Even school. You make your username as your favorite character or a character you Roleplay. (i.e. My username). You Roleplay a character, or have even thought of Roleplaying. 

You want to buy red contacts. You plan on making exact copies of Alucard's gloves, no matter how long it takes. You can't write any word close to 'Integra' without capitalizing it. You get into a large debate with your best friend over Schrodinger's gender until you both come to a satisfying conclusion for the both of you. 

You were the person to even introduce your best friend to Hellsing. You've spent all your savings on the Manga. Your master plan is to turn your younger sibling into a devoted Hellsing fan. You play war videogames much more frequently… You are disappointed that you never see your favorite characters in the game even though they of course won't be in them. 

You practice hard to draw them. At some point, you can draw a near perfect portrait of your favorite character… Or at least decent looking. You nearly flip a desk when someone who has never before seen Integra, Rip, or Zorin, that they all look like men. You are intriguingly drawn to the scent of cigars. You find yourself with a new or stronger interest for tea. 

You flinch or draw the curtains closed when the forecast of the day is "sunny". You are rarely seen during the day without a hat of any kind. You sort through your music and place them into categories of the character's names that the song reminds you of. You have downloaded Der Freischutz, and formatted the song to begin at the same part Rip Van Winkle begins to sing. Sometimes, the voice of your thoughts begins to sound like Integra, or even Alucard. Even the Major. 

When heading out at night, you comment what a perfect night it is to go out for a bite and drink to whoever is near right before walking out. Whenever someone says something you do not agree with, you give them a well practiced Integra glare and quote "your findings are irrelevant". You stop saying "whatever" or "sure". Instead you say "wonderful! Just wonderful!" with a maniacal laugh or even, "whatever works is cool." 

Your school assignments become to be increasingly Hellsing related, and you have to back yourself away from writing about it. You also have to stop yourself from drawing tiny doodles of the characters on the sides of your work. You can imagine a three way conversation in your head between you, Alucard, and Integra. Alucard giving you ideas how to tease her…And they of course work. And she lectures you for it…Because her voice is in your head. And you get side tracked with it when you are supposed to be focusing. 

You spend your class time working on something like this. You sometimes begin your papers with "Releasing control art restriction to level 3, level 2, level 1…" And even end them with. "Limited power release complete." You take requests to write about different pairings…From complete strangers who have heard you talking about it. Even drawings from strangers as well. You have the movie, "Van Helsing"; and only purchased it because of Hellsing. 

Discussions of the spelling of Alucard's name is totally pointless… You find a place called "Maxwell Plaza" and ask to see Enrico. You are surprised one works there. And then disappointed that it is the wrong Enrico. You think of your room as your lair. And keep yourself in there constantly…Doing our own thing. Which is pretty much work or nothing. 

When you see the number 69, you think of your favorite pairing. Don't you? You have searched your basement for signs of Alucard, or any vampires at all. Like any from Millennium. Your goal is to convert all of your friends into Hellsing fans. No matter how hard it is… IT WILL BE DONE. You annoy your friends who are not fans to death with your talk about it. You friends that are fans help you to annoy them. 

You and your best friend tend to argue like Alucard and Integra would. Then burst into laughter afterwards. Deep down, you always knew Walter was a cutie when he was younger. And you were proven right. You nearly die when someone tells you they know where you can find a red trench coat. You still practice your maniacal laugh. 

You creep people out whenever you look over your glasses at them and chuckle. You rush through work so you can complete our latest fan art or fanfiction. You plan on naming your child after a Hellsing character…If you ever have one. Your next pet will fall victim to a name as well. 

You go nuts looking for thin wire or even dental floss so you can practice Walter's techniques….And fail miserably at it. Your goal is to buy a .454 Casull. And practice to be as good a marksman as Integra. You want a shaggy black dog, to name him Hellhound. You feel utterly disgusted whenever some of tries to make out Jan, or Zorin Blitz or any sadistic character to be romantic. Some people are frustrated at you, because you have lists of art and fanfictions you need to make and they are placed on a waiting list.

**Of course, if you have any other ideas just review them or message me…Upon the seventh chapter they will be added, and of course credit will be given. This is fan-made after all, and a big correlation of multiple ideas will make this wonderful.**


	3. Chapter 3

86-91 are ideas from Flaming Inferno… By the way, there may or may not be spoiler warnings. Depends on where you are. Just a warning. Keep in mind also, I do not do every single thing I put down on here. So don't get the assumption I do. X'D

You find yourself desperately trying to memorize the Major's I Love War Speech. When you go to sleep at night, you hope to see two red "lights" staring at you. You want glasses just so you can make them shine alone in the dark Whenever you here someone swear, Jan Valentine pops in your head. 

You get excited when you chip a tooth since it looks like a fang. The song "Gradus Vita" is always on repeat on your iPod. You go nuts doing your best for a certain teacher you have, because they remind you of a character. You have had a nightmare that Vatican Section XIII was coming after you. You have imagined Alucard or any badass character bursting into the building you are in, in an epic way and kidnapping you…Because you have secret knowledge of them… P.E. no longer seems so bad…Because you think of it as training. 

You do realize that Schrodinger is not as innocent as he seems, and are annoyed when people try to make him out to be completely innocent. You want to punch anyone in the face who says Zorin Blitz is a man. You probably have extra homework because you pay more attention to doing things like this in class. You squeal anytime you see any Hellsing merchandise on the internet and wish you had not spent your money on otherwise. You wonder why Captain Hans never talks. (Who doesn't?) 

You want to find a pair of sunglasses just like Alucard's…And even if you have horrid eye sight and need your glasses, you keep them on you nightstand. You have been perfecting an Integra glare, and notice people tend to move away from you while you are practicing it. Business suits and combat boots seem like the best combination in the world. 

When you are bored, you often find your mind wondering off to think of very odd things. Like a conversation that is completely random between characters… Schrodinger: Walks up to Captain Hans. "Crunchatize me Captain!" Hans: "…" 

Men with long braided hair, carrot-brown colored (who don't look like hippies) are so much more attractive or intriguing. And you try to convince them to curl the long braid around their neck…And wear a hat…And learn a French accent… You even find yourself learning to draw guns. You know what type of guns Jan Valentine was using…Which were modified P90's. If someone asks you about Hellsing you tend to ramble on about it for a very, very long time. Mainly about the Ultimate series. 

Your younger sibling has attempted to draw a swastika and it came out dangerously well done. (My 7 year old sister did this the other night…It was oddly drawn but still recognizable…I thought my mum was going to shoot me.) 

You also have to watch what you say AND draw in school. (i.e. If you draw Rip Van Winkle with her swastika necklace, or Schrodinger with his arm band). At night, you make sure to leave your window unlocked, just in case you get a visit from Alucard. You seem to be more open minded to things around you when you aren't thinking about Hellsing, so you can gather information from what you hear from others. You buy a pack of playing cards and throw them around sometimes, hoping they will explode or float around you. You even want to learn card tricks. 

You think about joining the police force, in case something happens and vampires begin to take over. Then Alucard can come and get you. You paint your nails crimson or pitch black, despite your gender. You try to style your hair like one of the characters…Despite your gender. You have a jar in your room or a stash somewhere of money that is specifically for anything art or Hellsing related and nothing else; a stash separate that is for other tend to creep around your house, and chuckle darkly at your parents/guardians or siblings while looking over your glasses at them with a grin. 

You entwine your hands together and set your elbows on a desk when enacting your Integra glare You refer to your dog as a hellhound. You nearly cried when Rip died. You did cry when Pip died. You, your friends, and the Twilight fans tend to get into large verbal fights over which is better, even though they probably have never even seen Hellsing… Captain Hans could make Jacob Black his bitch in less than ten seconds. And Seras in rage mode…In any mode could beat Edweird to a nonexistent PULP.

You listen to old war songs featured on Hellsing with quite the respect. Your grandpa's war stories suddenly capture your total unrelenting attention. You get really pissed when you can't find a good fanfiction of a less popular character that you like. Or there is not enough fan art of them. (Zorin is a damn character too! Not too much fanart of Heinkel either. Now she was badass.) You find yourself either wearing suits, or baggy pants with a tank top.

Any red colored drink instantly becomes your favorite. You like to make cherry or strawberry Jello frequently so you can "feast" on a victim. (Which would be the Jello). You fall into a short depression when you try to draw a character unsuccessfully. You then hear, that yes…Artists do use other pictures to look at when drawing them. You are enthralled that other people actually do that instead of merely memorizing, and go to google the character.

Whenever you happen to be on any photo website, you always look up Hellsing. There is no possible way you would ever introduce this Anime you your Anime-hating parents/guardians. (If they even do hate it.) You are eventually able to draw a chibi version of a character. You would fall over and die if they had a spectacular Hellsing video game. 

Despite your gender, you would so much prefer to wear a suit. You fear the Willis dimension. Whenever you see a cross, either Alexander Anderson pops into your head, or Enrico Maxwell does. You know about Schrodinger's equation just from trying to google his name. You think belly shirts are fairly attractive on the right people (such as Dok), and no longer think of them as horrible if you did.

55 more, feel free to still add more. And I was thinking of doing an "Ask Rip Van Winkle, or ask Heinkel" thing. What do you guys think?


	4. Chapter 4

**These all made my day. X'D Nice job guys! 142-158 is credited to Marionette Queen. 159 is credited to Iced Diamond. 160-164 is from Silent Inferno. My goal is to make these go as far and long as we can possibly make them. Your additions are more that appreciated, way to go guys!~ …. (By the way, sorry they are not numbered, but…Yeah ._.'')**

You hope every time you get a substitute teacher that it will be one of your favorite characters. You wish you had an evil love beam. Your little voice in the back of your mind is replaced by a character. Every time you read Dracula you picture Alucard and Van Hellsing from the Ultimate as the characters. You put fake six red eyes on your dog and call him Baskerville for Halloween.

You want to go into the Willis dimension. You have the soundtracks of Hellsing on your Ipod. You randomly try and sing German opera. You got introduced to science, due to a very crazy Dok. When some people are arguing or fighting around you, you pretend you're conducting an orchestra like the Major.

You sit behind a big desk, chew on anything that looks like a cigar and try to make you glasses glare. When you see a priest you wait to see if he pulls out bayonets. You start to think every time you see a movie that has Nazis that they will jump out as vampires. When you have to do a report on Nazis you write about how they tried and make artificial vampires to take over the world.

You stare at a cup of tomato juice while waiting for Alucard's voice to say "Why didn't you just drink the blood you idiot" You don't look at nuns the same way. You feel powerful in a suit. You start having dreams of talking ghouls chasing you. You feel very uncomfortable when a holy priest comes near you.

You find yourself saying Rip's "tinker tailor" catchphrase throughout the day. You notice that all your doodle in class tend to revolve around either guns, crosses, the symbol on Alucard's gloves, or a strange little cat boy. Even though you find it disgusting, you constantly drink tomato juice in a wine glass just to look like Alucard. You desperately search Ebay to find a throne like Alucard's. You get a little sad when you realize that your dog does not have red eyes or eight of them.

-End of participating crediting-

You imagine what it would be like if the characters ran your school. (I could so imagine Alexander as a gym teacher for some reason…Dok of course would be science.) Nighttime is your favorite time. Whenever you hear others talking about the Nazis, you jump in and ramble on about how they created a vampire army. You find your collection of video games increasing in the "war and army" department. Anytime you hear the name Enrico, you instantly perk up and say, "WHERE! WHERE!". Your teacher or any other adult stood over your paperwork and stared at it for five consecutive minutes because they noticed doodles and words all over your paper…And perhaps a swastika.

Instead of saying "hello" like a normal English person, you walk around saying "Guten tag," to everyone. Your grades in school are actually increasing, because you see Integra as a Role model for an intellectual factor. You have printed pictures of he characters scattered all over your room and walls, and your parents are notably weirded out by them all; even commenting on some of the characters and how they look.

Your blonde friend with the shortish hair that you call police girl, is even written down as police girl in your phone. Your friend is so used to you calling her that she doesn't even care anymore. When you call her, you do your best Alucard or demonic voice. You feel very odd, thinking some of the characters are hot when you look up their age. (Pip is like…Late twenties or early thirties! ;A;) …You still think they are hot and ignore their age.

For your art class, all your teacher ever receives are sketches of the characters, well spent drawings, werewolves, or hellhounds. You wonder how some of the character's hair would feel… (Alucard's looks sooo soft.) You DO NOT let ANYONE touch your Hellsing DVD's or Manga books. If they do…You ban them to the Willis dimension for eternity. You name your flash drives after characters(actually click the rename tab on them and type in the name). (Did Schrodinger have that video on him? Or did I put it on Jan? I think Rip Van Winkle has it…). Your desktop background, of course, is Hellsing related. You got nuts when you can't find a website with quality Hellsing OVA videos, or the website keeps asking you to pay to watch them. (I have an even harder time, since the only laptop I have is my school one.)

You tend to use massive amounts of hair gel to get your hair a certain way as a certain characters. And probably fail in the end. You are smile/laughing/nodding at almost every one of these. You have a separate folder on your computer for all of your Hellsing files. You and your " far too young to watch Hellsing" sibling can sit there and have an intense conversation about it while your parents sit in the same room and stare at you both like you grew tails and horns. (My sibling is 7…Oooh I'm such a great influence.)

You want to make an account at just so you can spam them all with Hellsing pictures. The background on your cellphone is related to Hellsing. You want to buy a cowboy hat, and perk one side of it upwards just like Pip.

**From experience, I realize that too much reading of these type of things on a single page can give someone a headache and make them ask "WHEN DOES THIS END!" So I think I'll pause it here for now, and start on the next chapter.  
>All in all, I have one more to upload that I had previously. I apologize for not getting on that! To everyone who is helping to collaborate, I promise I will put your ideas into the sixth chapter!<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**First paragraph is property of Silent Inferno's mind.~ Sorry about a lot of the format editing. I would go back and change the stories and their formatting….But I can't really do that. No worries, it will cease. I have found ways to edit these to easier understanding now. **

**Silent Inferno:** Your mom faints when she sees that you drew Zorin's tattoos all over you. Even though it's nighttime, you still wear your red tinted shades. When someone has a big chest you mentally nickname them Police Girl. When someone has a small chest you mentally name them you see an old man with a ponytail you automatically look for the dental floss of death.

You nearly squeal when you see a boy who looks very similar to Young Walter. You take pride in your teeth, taking good care of them and even studying them in the mirror just in the off chance they start to look more like fangs. On a really, really boring day you replay episodes of Hellsing you have seen without sound, and you mimic their voices with your own conversation on what they could be saying; following their mouth movements to create a whole new perspective on the scene. You do the thing above with a good friend. At very random moments, you and your friends can start having a conversation like the characters would. Simultaneously, you don't even plan what characters you are. You just start talking and it ends up being a completely epic conversation. ( friend walks in: Where the fuck is my snickers bar! Me: I used it as face cream! Friend: Damn it Luke why can't you use other products! Me: Chocolate is rumored to be good for skin! Friend: -hell of a lot of profanity as the conversation escalates- mum: -sitting there watching us with a total poker face-).

You buy a large white/gray dog and name it Captain Hans Gunsche. Your family tries to convince you of another name but you stay strict on it. You try to draw Zorin's eye on your palm and many other close-enough tattoos and try to grab someone's face with said hand. You order a Hellsing Manga online and are in inner turmoil until the said object appears in the mail. You have drawn a total crack picture of a character before. (Young Walter throwing up rainbows on Hans…) 

You notice yourself buying Koolaid that is a strong red color, and pouring it into wine glasses to drink. You frequently find yourself staring at people's necks. You can relate almost any situation you have to what some of the characters would do. You want to attend a Catholic church just to see if anyone knows a man named Anderson. You hear someone call an Enrico's name in a store, and you instantly imagine Enrico from Hellsing working there. Then bust into a giggle fit about it. If you are a guy, you are ticked that there are no quizzes that gauge your Hellsing girlfriend. And really, really want someone to make a quiz out of it.

You are in search for white, very fine gloves, and a proper drawing of Alucard's symbol on his glove. So you can spend numerous days CAREFULLY drawing out the symbol on it. Anytime someone lists their favorite Anime and does not mention Hellsing, you instantly jump on them and start rambling about it. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Random sprints of inspiration lately. Therefore, here ist thy next chapter of my random ideas. A few of my personal friends helped, but you get the idea. Enjoy.**

You've downloaded every single piece of Hellsing hentai you can get your hands on. You buy even the really "icky"Hellsing wallscrolls. You can't see the phrase "Axl" without envisioning chains, whips, leather, Integra and…You know the rest. You're procrastinating for a major essay due soon just to please your fans on this website (hint hint).

You have a specific bookshelf for your Hellsing Manga. You learn Der Freischütz by heart. Even though you live in a country that's heavily sensitive to WWII themes (say, Germany). You have long philosophical discussions with your parents based on your desire to wear Rip's original necklace. You are struck speechless for fifteen minutes after getting a Seras doll for a present. You choose to do creative writing about Hellsing for your classes.

You wear suits to school. You wear red contacts, and insist it's your natural color. You perk up every time you see the word "Protestant." You choose to buy a calculus book, just because it says "integral" a lot. Your respect for people is entirely based on whether they recognize Alucard at first glance. You stash weapons in preparation for the upcoming Nazi-vampire invasion. Including a secret hoard of dental floss.

You wonder why "freak" attacks haven't been mentioned on Unsolved Mysteries or any other show like such. Then reason that it's probably because Integra threatened the producers with her blood-crazed vampire. You have drawn a character on your gym clothes, and gotten sent to the office for it. You're suspected of witchcraft because you draw Alucard's sigil on everything.

You stalk Hellsing cosplayers at the cons. If you have never been to one, you want to go strongly for the fact you might see some. On Youtube videos, even if you are looking up different cosplays for Animes, you completely freak out and spam comments on how you saw a Hellsing cosplayer in the background.

You scour both Sister Act movies for Yumiko cameos. Regardless of time of day, when someone asks you about the weather, you say, "it's a perfect night." The first thing on your grocery list is always "tea". You print out Hellsing pictures and distribute them to random people at school. You get realistic bite marks tattooed on your neck.

You can slip somewhat naturally into Anderson's accent. You insist on calling your girlfriend "Mignonette". You start replying to everything with "..." (Just like the Captain). You insist to your eye doctor that he had extra lenses around your actual ones (like Dok). You get mad when someone spells it "Doc" instead of "Dok".

You carry around a cheap yellow drugstore umbrella even on sunny days. You only get tattoos on the right side of your body. You freak out in the store every time you see "Maxwell's House brand coffee".

You pester your dentist to give you fang-shaped fillings, or anything like them. You start seriously contemplating the best ways you would get hugs from your favorite characters, and certainly die trying. You have a total meltdown when someone claims Zorin, Integra, Rip, or Heinkel are men because they are NOT….NOT….And Heinkel is FEMALE, but POSSIBLY intersexual.

You wish Rip would sing to you, and have thought of several, several ways that would possibly get her to. You have tried to form your hair into her curl with little to no success. If you did succeed, you wore it like that to school.

When you die, you are getting a coffin JUST like Alucard's no matter how much it would cost to get it.

After that thought you then deny the fact you will die. Because you are a vampire of course. Or a regenerator.

You inform the Vatican that a master vampire has been living safely in Venice for hundreds of years and demand to know why Section XIII has not acted, along with a private audience with Archbishop Enrico Maxwell, or even Paladin Anderson. When they suggest you go to a therapist, you try to taunt them by saying that Hellsing has mobilized.

You bring reference pictures and at least four of the manga to a salon so you can get your hair done like Alucard's…and you're a girl. You do the same with any other character regardless of gender. You start calling a big shaggy black dog Alupuppy (even if he's not all black) and avoid petting his head until you've checked to be sure that he doesn't have six extra eyes.

You want to create an Anderplant plushie. You think Anderplant is the most adorable plant ever. You want to start a garden just on the off chance you might grow an Anderplant.

You don't dare talk to your friend for a few days after they bend the cover of one of your Hellsing books, or you demand retribution for it.

You can't get attached to any other anime, because you feel that that would be betrayal.

You get angry when Walter's last name is spelled "Dollneaz" instead of "Dornez". You giggle insanely at Walter's middle name, "Cumm". You become extremely distressed when someone brings up their opinion that Walter betrayed Hellsing.

You make all of your Sims characters look like Hellsing characters, even if you have to buy or download more packages for looks. You insist on buy Maxwell's House brand coffee.


	7. Chapter 7

**Here's just a few more…Eheh. Hope your guys are really enjoying these! Yay for collaborated ideas. I can thank my friends for several of these.**

You find yourself perfectly justified in cussing because Jan does it. You are completely firm in your decision as to whether Heinkel is male or female...and nobody is gonna change your mind. Nobody. (Because she is FEMALE, and POSSIBLY intersexual).

You think in a British accent. You start mentally quoting Jan when you're feeling particularly badass. You can't go anywhere without at least one of the books on hand. You pester your friends into reading/watching Hellsing, even if it takes months. You secretly hope Alucard or any of the others will show up whenever you get a cut or a scrape.

You've read Hirano's other works, despite the fact that they're badly drawn hentai, just so you can see the early versions of Pip, Anderson and other characters. You read his hentai with a total poker face, just because you are that used to seeing it. And not ashamed to admit it.

You are scared of any threats of Live-Action movies because you are terrified they would ruin Hellsing for you. Same with a video game.

You look back over this, know that you agree with so many things, and ponder if you need therapy.

**Sorry for that one being SO short! I just figured I would add those as well…Not a total waste of a chapter I guess….**


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